Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
