Your mouth is God's brothel.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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