I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
apparently the secret to your success is patron
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
