So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
