I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
