"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
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You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
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I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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