Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
