You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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