I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything