Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
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The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life