after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I have fence marks all over my body
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
