but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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