just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
