Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
