Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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