i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
