i need an iv and a liver transplant
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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