well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
