Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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