haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I am available for nakedness
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
