Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
birth control should be required to get into college
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
