I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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