The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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