when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
