I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
