shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
