he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
zippers are such a cool invention
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
