hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
