My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
