yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
