I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
