Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
