I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
