we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Woke up backwards on a recliner
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
