dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
