I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
