Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
