i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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