And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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