so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
