I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
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