why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
