I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
