so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Randomize
