in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
