I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
