just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
