Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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