I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
