woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
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