he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
