I am puke
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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