so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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