What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
It was confusing and full of hummus
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
