The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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