So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Randomize
