god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He? As in you personified your dick?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
