I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
