Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
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i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
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Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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