she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
They have beer where we have blood.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
