i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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