I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
