god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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